It's A Beautiful Day

Finally getting to the other side of the mountain, with a clearer perspective on life. With that in mind, my focus today is Top Chef. (Note: I've had a fantastic wish of being a chef for over ten years now. Had I known such things as Culinary School existed, I may have had a different life.)

And then there were five: Richard, Spike, Antonia, Stephanie, and Lisa.

Eww... The challenge is a Tomahawk Steak cutting race in a meat packing facility. Meat is yummy, but a giant slab of cattle just loses the appeal. OOooo! Rick Tramanto is the guest judge for the challenge! Now I really want a giant steak, but I'll have mine cooked medium.

Spike wins the Quick Fire and the troops get to cook in Chef Rick's kitchen. (!!!) I had dinner about half an hour ago but watching them get their dishes together is making me hungry.

And look who are the guest judges: Harold, Huang, and Ilan. The former is being constructive, the latter two are being snobby. Even the other judges aren't as harsh. I think it's between Richard and Spike to go home.

For the record, I like to laugh when I hear some of the pretentious crap that comes out of any judge's mouth during any of the tastings. It's the same reaction I have when I hear people talk about wine.

Moving on... I will post this and watch the end, chatting w/DO by text and guessing who will be the Final Four.

***
I will say that writing vapid thoughts about 'reality TV' helps keep my mind occupied. I've come to terms with losing my friend and now I'm learning to accept that the sky will be a little less blue for some time. It's still surreal, but life continues and I choose to live it with open arms.

Ain't No Sunshine

from the San Antonio Express News:

Lisa Marie Castro, born March 15, 1970 in San Antonio, TX, went to be with the Lord on May 18, 2008 at the age 38. She was preceded in death by her father, Alejandro Castro. Lisa is survived by her mother, Inez Castro and companion, Robert Engel; her brothers, Alex and Mark Castro; aunts and uncles, Mary Arroyo, Celso Zepeda, Victoria Matustik, Consuelo and Raymond Gutierrez (her godparents), Jose Zepeda, Janie Kypuros, Lupe Tygett, Marty Zepeda and Isabel Zepeda. She is also survived by many loving cousins and a multitude of faithful friends.

Until I see you again on the other side of the shore, I love you...

Give Me Something to Believe In

(Christmas 2006: Suze, Claudia and Carla up front, Lisa Marie and I in back)


Since I was flying out today to visit Mom, I took Friday off and spent a good chunk of it with Lisa Marie in the hospital. Had a conversation with her, fed her some Whataburger and fries that her Auntie Marty brought over, but I mostly watched her sleep.

So I prayed.

Well, I tried to. It's been ages since I've actually done it so instead I had a conversation with God. And I held Lisa's hand. I wasn't able to tell her all the things I wanted to without making her upset, so instead I focused on making her laugh.

It was really hard not to start bawling when I went to grab a bite and beer with DO and Nat after leaving the hospital. I did lose it a bit after getting home and having a few beverages; DO encouraged me to cry it out.

All we can do now is wait. I have such mixed feelings about my trip to New England today...

Somewhere over the rainbow...

I hate hospitals. I know I've said it before, but each visit seems to only get worse. On top of this, I walked in with greater dread and tears in my eyes today. I found myself rubbing a huge glob of the free hand sanitizer on my hands the entire elevator ride.

My beautiful friend, my sister from another mother, is dying. The doctors came back and said yesterday that the cancer is metastatic and that they will manage her pain and illnesses in an effort to keep her comfortable. Two weeks at best, two months tops.

I've said these words five times today, and it's still not getting better.

What. The. Fuck.

I'm angry.
I'm angry that the hands I held will no longer be able to play with her dog.
I'm angry that she won't be able to go shoe shopping and comment on the smells of the store.
I'm angry that she won't be able to go for her long hikes, shop at Whole Foods, bake giant chocolate chip cookies, or try new wines.
I'm angry that I won't have her around to do all the sisterly things she's ever done.
I'm angry that the world is losing a great spirit, compassionate heart, and funny soul.

I'm scared that she won't be here when I get back from visiting Mom.
I'm scared to say goodbye to her, I don't know that I'll have the words to tell her what a wonderful friend she is.

My dearest Lisa Marie -
I am a better person because of your friendship. Your endless patience, curiosity and compassion has taught me that there is always a light in the storm, laughter in the heart ache, goodness in everyone, adventures to be had, and so much more.

My beautiful sister -
You've held my hand when my heart was breaking, reminding me that it would all pass. You've listened and shared at our sushi talks and martini laughs, reminding me that great friends are hard to find. I've valued your honesty and support more that I can express.

My beloved friend -
You are stronger than all of us, fighting and laughing your way through this so much that the rest of us can't help but smile. There are too few people who can pull off a feather boa and funny socks in a hospital gown.

I need to get these words out now, because I don't think I'll be able to remember them all tomorrow. Will I say the things I need to say?

And for the record, this is a really fucked up deal. Yes, yes, reason for everything, blah blah. Still fucked.

Easy (Like Sunday Morning)

I have reached a strange milestone in my life: not getting trashed at any Fiesta event. Don't get me wrong, I still had a morning Mimosa yesterday at Susie's King Williams Fair breakfast which was followed by a fresh strawberry margarita. And even at lunch, which I chased with another margarita and a Dos XX, I still had my wits about me enough to drink enough water to get through the rest of the day. *Shrug* C'est la vie.

Additionally, I woke up at seven this morning. Typical. As I pulled out of my drive way to go the store, I contemplated taking Rude Neighbor's Sunday paper since it looked like they were out for the weekend. *Sigh* Couldn't do it. Even when I returned and saw it still lying on my side of the property line, I walked over and dropped it on their porch. Stealing their paper wouldn't help me feel better after spending $90 at the grocery store (!!!WTF!!!) and it would be bad karma.

What could I have possibly bought at the store to have spent so much? Gardenburgers, veggie patties, fruit, lunch snacks for the next 12 days, Mothers' Day cards for my two moms and grandmother, kitty litter, frozen meals for lunch, Clean and Clear toner (even though I reallyreallyreally want to get the $35 toner I love at Sephora), and Swifer floor cleaner. It's amazing to me that I feel more pain having paid that much at the grocery store and yet don't bat an eye spending that on clothes. Note to self: Food is much more of a necessity!!

To cheer myself up before heading outside and working on the yard, I treated myself to a batch of banana chocolate chip pancakes and a cup of Starbucks coffee, since I still have connections for a free pound of beans now and then. (Who am I kidding? I make these every other Sunday.) Did some other chores, read the NYT online, then headed outside. Talk about a great cardio workout! Cut both the front and back yards, replanted the basil and hibiscus, and prune the wisteria. I wanted to get this done rather quickly since the wind was picking up and the clouds were rolling in. I should have kept that in mind when I climbed off my ladder because the wind knocked it over and whacked me on the head. :-| I am not amused. Less amusing is that as I type this, Rude Neighbor's newspaper is still outside.

Sunday thoughts: travel, real estate, the election & economy.

Travel. How rational would it be to plan a vacation to India and save to buy a home? it's been a while since I've had a vacation. Jury is still out. Although, I can almost smell the spice markets.

Real Estate. I need to save $15 - 18K. Unacceptable. And that wouldn't even be the desired 20% down payment that's recommended. Plus, then there's all the stuff that needs to go inside. I can't wait for the day I don't have recycled family furniture. I may need that last pancake.

The election & economy. I think it's all talk. Hill and O want to investigate gas price fixing. Investigation doesn't fix the immediate problem that there are people who already struggling to make ends meet and $3.50 a gallon isn't helping. Old John is suggesting a gas-tax holiday. Again, no immediate effects. It's all about supply and demand, folks. More countries demand crude, more people want to make more money off of it. So what do we do? Do we look into domestic production? Then we'd have to consider ecological effects. Seriously, what's up with the reserve? Last I read, there are over 700 million barrels in our domestic reserve, although that might make OPEC tighten the belt. I'm glad my Jetta is fuel efficient, but I fear that gas may get up to $5 this time next year. Although now I'm considering looking into teleporting to work.

You're So Vain

In my quest to be fiscally frugal, I have often made decisions to not purchase things on a whim: the cute tan sandals priced at $45; a strapless summer dress for $125; a Wii/Xbox or Playstation $399. Self-control has been a difficult learning that’s taken years for me to integrate into every fiber of my short-term-attention-span being. Even with my most recent bonus pay I used 60% of it to pay credit debt:

$2000 to pay down MBNA Card #2, leaving $432.
$ 978 to pay off and close MBNA Card #1

Remaining Debt:

$3160 Discover (transfer from two other cards to get better rate)
$2350 Bank of America (There was no reason for me to have ever opened this)
$ 387 Nordstrom’s (The excitement of the store’s Grand Opening)
$ 642 Amex (Upcoming trip to visit Mom and attend my college reunion)
$ 720 Student Loan (Yeah!)

Yes, I’ve become a tightwad. Two people have commented that I should at least get something for myself, as it is a bonus and should treat myself to something reasonable. (I guess spending $50 to take my dad to dinner and the $44 for a long overdue pedicure plus tip wasn’t enough.) So I’ve decided to sign up for twelve sessions with a personal trainer at the gym. :D

While I would normally never consider this purchase (and the trainer I met with needs a little work on a genuine smile), I’ve rationalized it as follows:

$780 =$65 per session, 12 sessions
-$319 = $400 Health & Wellness Benefit Paid in July from Work - $81 for Q1 gym fees
-$400 = $600 estimated Tax Rebate on May 16 ( need the balance to pay for trip)
$ 61 = Out of pocket expense ($5.08 per session)

I’ll have to eat up the rest of my gym membership myself, but I was already doing that before my new job. And, this is something for myself and not just another toy (although a giant flat screen with a game console to boot would be kinda fun). It may be just appealing to my vanity, but whatever. Along with getting out of debt, getting into shape has been my other focus. I can't wait to see some results.

Three Little Birds

Today was a Bob Marley day. By that, I mean I would hum or sing one of his songs when I started thinking about the tornado in my head: an issue with work that I wanted to take care of first thing, Lisa Marie still in the ICU, the fight my brain and my heart continue to have. To remedy this, I blared Three Little Birds from the stereo as I got ready for work.

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Two out of three isn't so bad. The work issue is mostly resolved, but it was somewhat frustrating to get through all the steps. Fortunately, I've some support in a handful of coworkers and they help me navigate all the procedures and drama that comes up.

On my way to visit Lisa Marie, I played No Woman No Cry. I know the song has only to do with hard times Bob had, but the chorus is really all everyone remembers.

My feet is my only carriage,
So I've got to push on through.
But while I'm gone:

No, woman, no cry;
No, woman, no cry.
Woman, little darlin', say don't shed no tears;
No, woman, no cry.

I don't think there are many people who like to visit hospitals. The smell, the despair, the pain. (Unless you're visiting the newborns in L&D, which makes almost everyone smile.) Try as I might, I couldn't stop my shoulders from tensing up as I walked in, preparing myself for the ICU party. I was doom and gloom for no good reason: Lisa Marie was being prepped to be moved back down to the post-surgery floor which means she should be able to start physical therapy by the end of the week if there are no further complications. Good times all around, boo-hooing for nothing. I can't help it. I am a natural worry-wart and all around spaz. I do feel a lot better about her health today, but there are still other hurdles for her to jump.

As for the other topic of torture... I give you Satisfy My Soul.

(Satisfy my soul) You satisfy my soul (satisfy my soul);
You satisfy my soul (satisfy my soul).
Every little action (satisfy my soul),
there's a reaction (satisfy my soul).
Oh, can't you see what you've done for me, oh, yeah!
I am happy inside all - all of the time. Wo-oo-o-oo!

There's an interesting theory brought up to me by a wise elder not so long ago, that my heart can withstand all the tears and breaks because I learn more about myself and what I can endure. And while I want to wave the one-fingered salute high and say, 'fuck it all,' it's been true this far. I'll still curse life, karma and God (there's a couple of guys who have really done a number on me), but I continue to think in puppies and rainbows about the whole thing and hope that someday, someone will be up for the challenge.